Charm

Sometimes I really sicken myself. Take today. I discovered not long ago that in an interview situation, I can often turn charm on and off like a light switch, summon it at will. I can literally feel it coming over me, a different persona exuding job-seeker pheronomes and professionalism. It's overwhelming, a real thrill - a performance, I suppose.

This is what I do. I place one hand on the table, to open negotiations, fingers drawn in a little, nervously. Then I begin oozing - full eye contact, confidence without arrogance, an openness of face that comes easily. The overall effect is that I appear trustworthy.

Sample conversation from today, at Evilac, as Ponyboy dubbed them inaccurately.

- When did you arrive in Japan
- About a week ago
- A week?? Are you serious? All of our teachers have been in Japan at least a year
- I shrug and beam brightly. Charm deployed.
- So, do you have any teaching experience?
- Yes. Well, not much. (I'd inflated the sporadic essay editing I've done into 'Six years of private English tuition' and embroidered the story nicely). More beaming and open body languge.
- OK. What about teaching ESL classes?
- Nope. (Teeth showing)
- Any experience as an Assistant Language Teacher in classrooms?
- Er, no.
- TESOL? Teaching diplomas of any kind?
- Ah, no
- So, ah, how would you describe your style of teaching in the tuition you've done so far?
- (This required some energetic improvisation. I came up with a variety of wankeries. Charm still full on)
- And you'll be here for 12 months
- Of course. (I feel bad about this one - a dirty lie, with no basis in fact. But, I need a job Real Bad)

This went on for a good twenty minutes, and as always, I was astounded at what bollocks I was able to produce readymade. It's as if my idealised me comes out in interviews - I am convinced, for this brief moment, that this is indeed how I am. And after this time, she's convinced, too, that I would be a good chance (in all honesty, I think I would like teaching). Her smile is widening in recognition, she untenses her shoulders, relaxes her hold on her folder and begins adjusting it. Just as she's about to ask another question, her folder-adjusting results in a minor tragedy. Her necklace somehow lodges firmly in the folder clip. She shakes it with tiny movements so I don't notice. It doesn't budge. She abandons all professionalism and conducts a one-woman war against the folder, pulling and shaking it wildly, all the while apologising. It's hilarious, but of course I can't laugh. Flustered, she tries to continue as before. But only a minute later, the dam bursts - the charm has worked - and she gushes forth a wave of heartfelt words about the deficiencies of the Japanese educational system (she's Western raised, of Japanese parents), of the early funneling of childen into the mould of ideal citizen, of the suicides of those who don't make it. The educational system needs a shakeup, she says. It worked well before World War II and in the rebuilding effort after that, but it's struggling to meet the new challenges. So many kids I meet, she says, who, when I ask them what their dream is, simply can't reply. And why - she's getting a little worked up - why is it like this? The only answer is that there is no answer - it's the way it's done. You'll see it in schools when you work there, she says, (and doesn't correct it to 'if'), you'll see the system at work - the unquestioned respect for authority. If your supervising teacher has a problem with you, they won't complain to you but to someone higher up, until it reaches the Board of Education and then we get brought in. And you can't discipline kids in high socio economic areas either - their wealthy parents will complain to your superior or just wheel in the lawyers.

I'd previously confessed to being impatient and easily frustrated as one of my chosen weaknesses. "You said you got easily frustrated - well so do I", she says, frankly. "So many times in dealing with the Japanese I've had to just, you know, push it back down. You can't get angry with someone until you've known them for at least three years."

The flood lasts about ten full minutes, widening to encompass her family, her hopes, her dreams of slowly changing the system from within by using foreign teachers to challenge the current system by example. Eventually, she slows and returns to herself, a little astonished. "Well, now, at least you know what you'll be in for," she says, before qualifying it. "If we offer you a position, that is." She pulls her professionalism back on and asks me to present a sample lesson, which I do badly but still with charm. She patiently explains my deficiencies and tells me they'll call me. Maybe they will, maybe they won't. But God, I love having the gush effect on strangers. Or maybe it's not me - perhaps that's just unwarranted ego speaking. Still, it's nice to have an interview version of me in the arsenal - honed, abnormally sharp, full of shit. I'm usually able to sit back and watch from some distance as interview me goes through his paces. Maybe there's a charm gland?

After the interview, I wandered Osaka, a little deflated. A homeless man had set up camp between two highway pillars - out of the rain and wind and safe from molestation, but the noise and smog must be horrific. I eventually found a Westerner friendly cafe with pictures of the food to point at and spent two hours there. Osaka is a pretty ugly city, it has to be said. It's functional, I suppose. It works. You can say that about it. There's less competition for jobs here, which is why we are here and not starving in Tokyo.

The second interview was with B___, a school which requires you to undergo two weeks unpaid training without the guarantee of a job. I didn't really want the job, and the presentation masquerading as a group interview didn't persuade me otherwise. The presenter/interviewer had a feeelthy leetle clit ticklin' mustachio/goatee combination and licked his lips a lot. I'm so fascinated by these men - the male interviewers have all been expats - who have all been in Japan long enough to come up smack bang against the fact that they are not Japanese and never will be and resent the Japanese as a result. They're seemingly all blow-ins who lodged here somehow. Something latched onto Japan as they tumbled through and look! they pop their heads up ten years later as assistant managers at English schools. Also, they all seem to have strange tongue habits. This one was of the corporate variety. His company was a business first and foremost, he informed us. Those learning were not students but customers, and we needed strong customer focus to succeed. Any customer service jobs would therefore count more than educational training, he said. He spieled about his company as true believers do - correcting himself on minor points - and talked of meeting lesson targets and expansion and diversification and I thought, this is a life here, a life expended on this shit. Thank god for those drawn to the managerial life, for they shall ensure we never have to do it. Next, he produced our compensation package. I like the idea of pay as compensation. I'm compensated for the hours of life with money. To make matters worse, there was a head-nodding American who also had a neatly trimmed feelthy leetle facial hair combo but this time in red. He said Uh Huh and Sure and That's Right a lot in broad drawl, while I nodded mutely. We had to fill out questionnaires about customer focus and working conditions and the like and my pen ran out of ink.

--------

I'm not usually one to get all starry eyed over gadgets, but the mobile phones here are wonderful and fantastic and will arrive in Australia next decade. A mid range model here can: Surf the net properly, send and receive email, take 3 megapixel digital photos, record video for thirty seconds, have their memory sticks upgraded, act as an MP3 player or radio or television. If that's not enough, they've supplanted the TV or CD player remote. Oh, and you can pay for vended goods and train tickets with them, and people actually do that. Anyway, that's positively the last (and first) time I'll indulge in techno fetishising. (You can't bring them back to Australia - different system). I was thinking about the advances in mobile phone technology a little while ago, and the things I thought were possible in the future were exactly what they've done here. As William Gibson (nerd reference) once said, the future is already here - it's just unevenly distributed. Mobile phones are already dinting sales of watches - what need - and there is no reason why they can't subsume most other everyday devices. Video/digital cameras, music players, PDA's and finally, the need for a wallet. All in one. Anyway, that got me a little too excited.

-------

Row was looking at a Toyota ad and wondering at why a global company cannot employ copywriters who can string coherent English sentences together. While the Japanese are reputed to be the world's worst linguists, having to cope with a particularly complex and bizarre language of their own, it can't be just that. I thought about it some. I reckon they do it on purpose. It makes sense them to advertise Happy Cakes (give energy and refreshedness!) or talk about accomodations. It's fine to advertise plant fertiliser with the "power of authenticity". People actually understand what "taste of the art" is. A Mexican restaurant claims to be "the real than ever"? No worries. Language is a consensus of meaning, after all, and if you want to take the global language and mess with it for your own ends, go right ahead. Singlish (Singaporean English) and Hinglish (Hindi English) are already well established; so here's to letting Japlish become a true dialect and not an object of ridicule. I'm not saying I'll stick to that, though.

-------

In fact, I'll break it right now. Personal ads are even better here.

A nice, gorgeous and brave JapaneseMale seeks white female in Kansai area. We will just have casual something between men and women.

And these, from the gaijin quarter:

I'm tired of my girlfriend and breaking up with her, so I'm looking for a new gf. If you're cute, kind, sexy and fun, email me!

At last, an air of truthfulness:

I'm a kind, loveable man looking for a serious cute Japanese girlfriend. To be honest, I'm average looking, quite big (110) kilos, losing my hair and wear glasses. But, I have a very good job in IT and a very good future. Email: desperateloser@_____.com

And my favourite:

I'm 29 and looking for a woman who I can settle down with. I am kind and caring. I like women who are kind and not fat.

Wonderful!