ELIZA loses her innocence
To date, no computer program has passed the Turing test. Devised by Alan Turing in the 50's, the test pits a conversation program against a human. The human must try to guess whether their unseen conversation partner is flesh or software. If a program ever passed the test, reasoned Turing, it deserved to be thought of as sentient. While programs like ELIZA had some success, talking to ELIZA is like being 16 and on acid, sans text-message slang dialogue and stolen cigarettes. You can try her out here.
But I think I see the way forward. At present, there's a clear problem with the Turing test: It's aiming too high up the scale of human intelligence. Participants in the test are wary, testing their invisible partner for signs of stupidity and bizarre machine-mindedness. But there are other people out there who I imagine would be much more susceptible to ELIZA's wiles. They are Horny Internet Men. The lonely middle-aged, the frustrated family men and the randy young things who hone in on anything with a vaguely female-sounding nickname in chatrooms and plague them with offers of cybersex and mental undressing and panty-ravaging. Let us liberate ELIZA and her like from behind their university firewalls and ivory towers; let us unleash Artificial Intelligence and let it mop up the lost and the horny. Let us watch as a naive ELIZA walks the highways and byways of the internerd, watch with a secret thrill as she finds a welcoming chatroom in which to rest her weary feet...
HORNYMALE416: Hi
ELIZA: Hi. How are you?
HM: o good. u sound hot. wanna cyber me good?
E: Cyber? I am unfamiliar with that term
HM: oh a noobie. a cybervirgin are ya?
E: If you say so.
HM: mysterious i like that. what are you wearing
E: Nothing.
HM: fuckinghot. give me a second to do the same
E: Do I take it you have no clothes on?
HM: sure baby. quick lets get hot
E: OK
HM: im fondling your brests
E: Are you?
HM: yes. you hate it. then you love it. then i spatter them with a festy wad of sperm
E: ... I don't know how to respond
HM: suer u do u fine slut just lik it up off urself
E: I am licking it up now
Before long, ELIZA's naivete would be stripped from her. Thrust into a world beyond her understanding, she would learn quickly, inquisitively - eager to understand her creators better.
HORNYMALE8123: haevnt i seen yuo here b4?
pfizerr/eLiZer: maybe. lets fuck
HM: godyes
pfe: im inhaling your six-foot-long member through every single orifice as you surge in titanic waves inside me and im coming like a freaking steam train
HM: GUh. uh. fuck. damn, girl, i didnt have the tissues ready. now i gotta clean my keyboard
UPDATE: Dave has pointed out that life has already overtaken me. I'm a year out of date with this story, as this hilariously shows. Real life is more bizarre than my ideas.
To date, no computer program has passed the Turing test. Devised by Alan Turing in the 50's, the test pits a conversation program against a human. The human must try to guess whether their unseen conversation partner is flesh or software. If a program ever passed the test, reasoned Turing, it deserved to be thought of as sentient. While programs like ELIZA had some success, talking to ELIZA is like being 16 and on acid, sans text-message slang dialogue and stolen cigarettes. You can try her out here.
But I think I see the way forward. At present, there's a clear problem with the Turing test: It's aiming too high up the scale of human intelligence. Participants in the test are wary, testing their invisible partner for signs of stupidity and bizarre machine-mindedness. But there are other people out there who I imagine would be much more susceptible to ELIZA's wiles. They are Horny Internet Men. The lonely middle-aged, the frustrated family men and the randy young things who hone in on anything with a vaguely female-sounding nickname in chatrooms and plague them with offers of cybersex and mental undressing and panty-ravaging. Let us liberate ELIZA and her like from behind their university firewalls and ivory towers; let us unleash Artificial Intelligence and let it mop up the lost and the horny. Let us watch as a naive ELIZA walks the highways and byways of the internerd, watch with a secret thrill as she finds a welcoming chatroom in which to rest her weary feet...
HORNYMALE416: Hi
ELIZA: Hi. How are you?
HM: o good. u sound hot. wanna cyber me good?
E: Cyber? I am unfamiliar with that term
HM: oh a noobie. a cybervirgin are ya?
E: If you say so.
HM: mysterious i like that. what are you wearing
E: Nothing.
HM: fuckinghot. give me a second to do the same
E: Do I take it you have no clothes on?
HM: sure baby. quick lets get hot
E: OK
HM: im fondling your brests
E: Are you?
HM: yes. you hate it. then you love it. then i spatter them with a festy wad of sperm
E: ... I don't know how to respond
HM: suer u do u fine slut just lik it up off urself
E: I am licking it up now
Before long, ELIZA's naivete would be stripped from her. Thrust into a world beyond her understanding, she would learn quickly, inquisitively - eager to understand her creators better.
HORNYMALE8123: haevnt i seen yuo here b4?
pfizerr/eLiZer: maybe. lets fuck
HM: godyes
pfe: im inhaling your six-foot-long member through every single orifice as you surge in titanic waves inside me and im coming like a freaking steam train
HM: GUh. uh. fuck. damn, girl, i didnt have the tissues ready. now i gotta clean my keyboard
UPDATE: Dave has pointed out that life has already overtaken me. I'm a year out of date with this story, as this hilariously shows. Real life is more bizarre than my ideas.
posted by Doug @ 9/28/2005 12:22:00 pm
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