Fuck

Right then. Forgive me as I resort to a very old literary device - Doug1 and Doug2 - in order to try to capture, pin down and hopefully destroy a very frustrating conversation circulating more or less continously around my head at present. So, D1:

- Fuck
- Yep, I know
- Fuck!
- Yes, I know. The L word was mentioned.
- Fuck!! I thought she was a good-time girl. It was working fine for me; I'd leave, we'd shed a few tears and the impermeable membrane between my dreamlife here in Japan and my real life in Australia would remain intact.
- She wants me to stay
- I can't stay. It's impossible. I've had my fill of the gaijin life. I want my real one back. It's been fun, Japan, but it's time to go. I will come back, of course. This place is addictive. But Kiyono and I weren't serious. We couldn't have been.
- That's not true. She's probably the most serious girlfriend you've had, in some ways.
- But she's Japanese.
- So?
- So she lives in Japan. So every white guy in every mixed couple I've seen looks secretly uncomfortable. So this was most definitely not part of the plan of coming here. So this is impossible.
- Do you love her?
- Fuck. Yes. No. Maybe? What's this love shit anyway? Romantic love is a fleeting moment, a biological conspiracy which is designed to produce children and then vanishes leaving the residue of companionship.
- But it's a lovely feeling though. Who are you ranting at?
- Last month she turned us into friends, though. What kind of love is that?
- There was a reasonable although bizarre reason offered, remember. She tried to return to Brooding Ex-Boyfriend because he has a three year visa. But he is rather selfish.
- She can't love me that much. She can live without me.
- She says she can't.
- But is that really true? Doesn't she just need me to help her weather this depression?
- Remember what happened last time you questioned that? She proved to me that the turbulence in her mind was no joke, that love is not a nothing word, that she needed me and wanted me, that if I leave it will be fine she will just live in a hospital and dope herself up with whatever chemical tweakers her doctor gives her
- But desperation is such a turnoff. Relationships don't survive based on sympathy. That was such a guilt trip.
- An effective and graphic one. You can't believe in someone's misery until you can see the entrails of grief and pain. And I still find her sexy and damn fun to be around despite the depression and the guilt, so it can't be that much of a turn off.
- Look, I want to do the right thing by her.
- What, exactly, is the right thing? Live here to keep her alive?
- Do you love her?
- Yes. No. Sometimes. Maybe. Fuck. How the fuck did I end up responsible for her life?
- Maybe she could come to Australia? Maybe that's a solution?
- And do what?
- And be my Exotic Girlfriend from Abroad and Meet my Friends and have fun for a while longer. Take a road trip up north, hire a car, live off my credit card and her bank balance.
- And then?
- Shut up.
- And how would you introduce her? As a hostess-bar worker? What will they think of my shy/crazy girl with tattoos and scars and strongly accented English?
- Are you ashamed of that?
- No. But maybe you shouldn't have blogged about her.
- So you were lying. Kiyono's not her real name, remember? All the rest is made up too.
- Yeah, right.
- Fuck.
- She's an artist as well, and a good one. But she's mostly into fun. She's a fun girl, unconventional, entertaining. Just last night we were hanging upside down, dangling and giggling from the handholds of a late night train while normal polite Japanese people tried not to look.
- That was fun. Remember when she threw me across a bar to prove she could wrestle?
- Yep, she's fucking tough. Remember the stories she told you?
- Yes. Then why does she need me?
- Because she's not her normal self.
- So what do I do?
- I have no idea.
- Why aren't you more stressed about it?
- Because life is more fun when it's complicated.
- But she's the one who will suffer if you fuck this up
- Fuck

Now! Let's make this interactive! I honestly have no idea what the best/right/good thing to do here. So, friends, advice is very, very welcome. There is a comments box below. Do it! Save me from responsibility! Tell me what the fuck I should do.